Teenage Graffiti
by Kikei
Summary: Roxas can't handle it. Axel can. Or so he likes to think. But how can you think when you're hiding behind a toilet spying on your best friend? [axel x roxas...roxasaxel...axelroxas...akuroku]


Teenage Graffiti

A Kingdom Hearts Ficlet

By Kikei

--

Roxas can't handle it. Axel can. Or so he likes to think. But how can you think when you're hiding behind a toilet spying on your best friend?

--

A/N: Just a little something I wrote when boredom took over me. Inspired by the 30smirks challenge, "caught you bathing", on Livejournal. :3

--

DISCLAIMER: I am a simple fangirl with simple needs. KH is my FANDOM, not my creation. :B

--

Now, it was well known fact around Castle Oblivion (as "evil" and oblivious it was) that no one, absolutely NO ONE, enjoyed their bath time more than the ever-pessimistic #XIII, Roxas... well, whatever the hell his original form's last name was.

Anyway.

All of the members of the Organization had taken a habit (a very LUCKY habit, to be presice) to absolutely AVOID the 13th floor bathroom at around 3:32 PM, unless they wanted to be screamed at and hit repeatedly and violently on the head over and over by two menacing-looking keyblades. After all, Roxas WAS the "Key of Destiny" Keyblade Master... thing, and he could handle those keyblades like there was no tomorrow.

However.

Now, it was a well known fact around Castle Oblivion that no one, absolutely no one was as reckless and spontaneously insane as the ever-mischievous #VIII, Axel... Well, no one actually cared about what his original form's last name was.

Anyway.

The Organization had taken a habit (and a very GOOD habit) to always, ALWAYS avoid Axel. Just for the hell of it. Mostly because Axel was A) A mean old bastard who never thought of anyone but himself (much like the rest of the Organization members), and B) Whenever he was bored (which was, in the red-head's case, every two seconds), the man would pull so many outlandish, outrageous pranks until he was satisfied that tears were shed, that it was clearly impossible to go a day without having to yell at Axel for someone's missing 80's Memorabilia of Collectable Hair Gel, a painted pink Eye patch, some trampled flowers, anything of that sort.

And, unfortunately, on this particular day, at this point in time, Axel "Flurry of Dancing Flames" Whatever-the-Hell-His-Last-Name-Was happened to be bored as _hell_.

Fortunately (or unfortunate, whichever way you looked at it, if you were the kind of sadistic kind of person who enjoyed seeing people get hurt by oncoming cars) for Axel, he knew perfectly well that it was about time for a certain "Key of Destiny"'s daily bath.

So as the chime on the grandfather clock that stood in the middle of Castle Oblivion struck 3, causing the vibrations of bells to ring throughout the Castle, the red-headed male could feel a mischievous grin sneaking up on his face.

Oh, yes, he thought, nodding his head slowly. It was time.

--

A rustle of clothing.

The creak of the door.

A paranoid glance.

"Who's there?!"

Halted breathing.

A blink.

"...Jesus, I must be hearing things. I need to get **out** of this castle."

A small sigh of relief.

A sweater being thrown.

"...WHO THE HELL IS THERE?!"

Heavy breathing.

Another, more wary sigh.

"Dammit..."

--

This plan was going to have to be formulated rather well, in Axel's opinion.

Unfortunately, he was always bad at formulating plans.

...Oh, who was he kidding. Axel could TOTALLY see his plan going down the drain.

…But, no! He wasn't going to give up yet, gosh darn it! He swore, on Kingdom Hearts, that he was GOING to pull off this prank whether he liked it or not, because A) This was the MOTHER LOAD of all pranks, B) The kid needed to loosen up anyway, and C) Axel was just too gosh darn bored for his own good and needed something INTERESTING to happen NOW or else he'd shoot a Moogle through the head!

Well... Maybe he'd shoot Zexion's stuffed Moogle through the head. Moogles were too cute to actually harm.

...Well, they were! Of course Axel wasn't SOFT!

(If "soft" meant "doesn't sleep with a stuffed 'Winnie the Pooh' bear".)

The crimson-haired male bit his lip thoroughly, cowering at his small, encased spot behind the toilet, glancing over the lid occasionally to see what his prank-ee was doing, and trying ever so hard to stay quiet.

But, HELL, his goddamn cloak wouldn't stop RUSTLING (he had always disapproved of this so-called "uniform" at Castle Oblivion; he didn't understand why it had to look so much like a DRESS), and he was just too close to the door for it to be civilized, wasn't he supposed to be behind the TOILET? And, DAMMIT, STOP ITCHING---

"Who's there?!"

_Craaaap_.

This was NOT going well. Not at all.

Axel had stopped breathing. Hell, it was PAST that. It was, "HOLD-YOUR-BREATH-UNTIL-YOUR-FACE-TURNS-SO-BLUE-YOU-LOOK-LIKE-A-SMURF-THEN-FAINT-FROM-LACK-OF-AIR". Oh, no. He couldn't afford to be caught NOW. Not when he was so close to completing his... erm... "plan"!

Whatever it was.

It was officially illegal to breath during a prank, Axel though. His head shook behind the toilet seat, hands clutching at his sides, resisting the urge to look up just in case Roxas had decided to take a little venture to the toilet.

Luckily, whatever the emerald-eyed man did, it seemed to lessen the blonde's suspicions as the youth slowly turned around, discarding his sweater, shaking his head.

"...Jesus, I must be hearing thing. I need to get **out** of this castle."

His heart was beating so loud he could've sworn it echoed across the bathroom. He couldn't help it. Axel sighed softly, silently thanking the gods for his endless good luck.

"...WHO THE HELL IS THERE?!"

_'I take it back, you bastards.'_ The flame-wielder hurriedly ducked behind the toilet before the oncoming sweater thrown by an apprehensive Roxas could reveal where he was.

Axel heard Roxas sigh, albeit a little shakily, as he dared to lift his head behind the toilet to watch the blonde shake his head, frowning.

"...Dammit."

Another well-won victory for Axel "Dancing Flames" Whatever-the-Hell-His-Last-Name-Is.

…Sort of.

--

A silent snigger.

A twitch.

The sound of pants being unzipped.

A loud, exhaled gasp.

A head turns.

"...Hmm."

Blue eyes narrow.

"...I'm going crazy."

Heavy pants of breathing.

"...There's someone IN HERE... **AXEL**!!!"

Abrupt halt of breath.

"Oh, _crap_..."

--

In his mind, Roxas needed this prank.

Given, Roxas needed a lot of things. Friends. A hobby (other than his current, more disturbing hobby, which was putting Ranch on every single thing he ate, like Sea-Salt Ice Cream, which was just DISGUSTING). A MAJOR social life. Hell, why not add a psychiatrist while you were at it? I mean, the kid was always so... so... Roxas-like, that it was unnormal.

...Well, if "unnormal" was an actual word and not a horrible, red-squiggly-lined, PISS-ME-OFF! Spell-check word.

Anyway. The way Axel saw it, Roxas needed this prank BADLY. The kid never once laughed, or joked around, or was even caught with a porno magazine (of which Axel was guilty of multiple times). NO ONE was that uptight. So once the kid learned how to loosen up, heck, even laugh for once, who knew what wonders he and Axel could accomplish? The pranks they would pull? The adventures they would have? Why, they would be the best of friends!

...Well, as close as "people-with-no-hearts" could get as "friends".

But that was a different, more "emo" story.

Anyway.

Axel sighed inwardly, shaking his head. The way Roxas was going, it seemed like he would have to spend his whole life in the bathroom. Given, it probably wouldn't be that bad, as long as he would be able to have pizza delivered every-so-often (he was sure that having Roxas in the same room was entertainment enough), but still. He DID have other pranks he wanted to pull before the end of his life. Like making Larxene scream like a little girl once she discovered there was a spider in her hair. Or making Lexaeus scream like a little girl once he discovered there was a spider in HIS hair. Things like that.

He couldn't help but snigger, though, at the thought of Roxas screaming when his so-called "prank" was over.

Ah, the life of an idiot.

The jade-eyed man carefully raised his head over the toilet seat, biting his lip, resisting the urge to groan heavily. This was starting to get very uncomfortable, being wedged in-between a grimy wall and an old toilet. He wished Roxas would hurry up and UNDRESS, already!

Axel blinked. His head twitched. Did he just THINK that?

Well.

Axel shook his head, thinking that he should probably stay away from all those porno magazines from now on.

...But, there it went. The noise of a zipper.

As the red-haired man gradually looked behind the top of the toilet, he could make out Roxas slowly slipping out of his black pair of pants.

…My god.

This was a slow process, to Axel's horror. And it went from "horrible" to "even MORE horrible", because, at that moment, when Roxas had finally freed himself from his somewhat constricting clothing, Axel came to realize that Number XIII, Roxas, the famed "Key of Destiny", was standing in front of him.

Without.

Any.

Underwear.

On.

"...!!"

_OMIGOSHOHMIGOSHOHMIGOSHOHMIGOSH---!!!_

Well, who WOULDN'T gasp loudly at this point?! For one thing, this was a MAJOR BIG DEAL, because A) WHAT KIND OF IDIOT DOESN'T WEAR UNDERWEAR UNDERNEATH HIS PANTS?! and B) ROXAS WAS EFFING **NAKED**. That was cause enough to hyperventilate at this point, because, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending if you're the sort of person whose mind refuses to look between the lines, or chooses to welcome the subtext entirely) for Axel, Roxas without any pants on seemed to trigger some sort of signal in his brain; a trigger that only went on when reading "Jugs and Hoses UNLIMITED". It was the same, little light that went on and stated loudly and clearly, "FREEDOM!"

...oh...no.

Oh, no, ohnoohnoohnoohnonononononono.

There was NO WAY in hell he could be turned ON by the sight of Roxas NAKED!

...DAMMIT!

AXEL, STOP BEING SUCH A PEDOPHILE!

_'But who knew Roxas could look that... **hot**---'_

_'I'M GOING TO **KILL** YOU, BRAIN!'_

Oh, Axel was torn. He was TORN. Torn between the pathetic choices of either A), Jumping out and ravishing Roxas until his hips bled, B), Subtly walking out of the bathroom to pay a little visit to Mr. Toilet next door, or C), Staying silent and IGNORING THE LIGHT, DAMMIT SHUT UP! So he could continue on with his prank.

…He had never been as TORN or TURNED ON or SICK in his entire life.

Before Axel had time to react, to even THINK about the situation carefully (perhaps even call Vexen no matter how much he hated him to analyze it on a piece of paper, create a few Power Points to explain the situation thoroughly and logically), however, the blonde teenager quickly turned around, his ocean-colored eyes narrowing considerably as he frowned deeply. His eyes rested on the toilet in front of him.

"...Hmm."

Roxas continued to stare at the toilet, Axel holding onto his breath for DEAR LIFE, because HE WAS REALLY, **REALLY** TORN RIGHT NOW---

...Maybe if Axel stopped breathing and DIED, he wouldn't have to worry about his urges to jump, or be jumped.

"...I'm going crazy." Roxas bit his lip, turning around to face the mirror once again.

The crimson-haired male couldn't help it. He really couldn't. I mean, who know he could get so... excited, for lack of a better word (actually, the author had a more... explicit word/phrase, but because she would like to keep her ficlet rating down, she will refrain from using said word/phrase), just by seeing Roxas... Poor, poor Roxas, without any clothes and in his God-made birthday suit? Roxas was a KID for God's sake. He was even younger than Xemnas's botox creams (which were pretty young, considering how much older they made Xemnas seem to be, instead of the opposite)! Why the HELL would he want to jump out of his hiding spot and… do things to the kid that he KNEW wasn't normal (unless you were one of those BDSM freaks with fetishes for leather, or something)?!

...DAMMIT, HE _REALLY_ NEEDED TO STOP SUBSCRIBING TO "Jugs and Hoses UNLIMITED" FROM NOW ON.

Okay, alright. Fine. Axel didn't care anymore. He couldn't take it. He NEEDED to get out of this bathroom (or at least, stay still and quiet enough so that his... ahem... "problem" that... uh... "decided to show itself to the world" would quiet down). The spiky-haired male didn't care about the prank anymore, it was a STUPID prank anyway, he just needed to GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM, because, he really, REALLY didn't want to... "solve his problem" BEHIND a TOILET of all places!

(Because if he was going to "solve _it_", it might as well been ON the toilet, where the... erm... "solution" would get washed away easily.)

Poor, poor Axel. It wasn't enough that he had such a big... erm... "problem", but even before he could calm himself down...

"...There's someone IN here--"

...Too bad the emerald-eyed man couldn't understand a word, or rather, ANYTHING that was going on right now, because...

"**...AXEL!!!**"

"...Oh, _crap_."

--

The _CLINK!_ of a keyblade.

Squeals of apology and remorse.

Curse words being exchanged.

A loud, undignified screech of terror.

The _THUMP!_ of a head bouncing off the floor.

"..._Damn_ you, Axel."

-Fin-


End file.
